Zach’s Rant


Awareness: By Guest Author Tyler Colson by Nathanael Rowe
July 30, 2008, 4:45 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I’m sick of being aware of people wanting my awareness. That sentence doesn’t even make sense, yet it’s what is going on. For years I’ve watched legitimate non-profits, clubs, associations, demographics, and groups talk about raising awareness. Whatever happened to campaigning to people to ask them give their time, or God forbid their money?

The one event that almost gave me stroke (and still makes the left side of my body go numb when I think about it) is LIVE 8.
This is a quote directly from their website:
“On Saturday July 2 2005 concerts took place in 10 venues. 150 bands and 1250 musicians played across the globe to ask people not to give us their money, but to give us their names.”
“An estimated 3 BILLION PEOPLE watched LIVE 8 the greatest, greatest show on Earth. They came together with one message – make poverty history.”

Let’s do some math. If each musician gave $10,000 towards poverty they would have raised $12.5 million dollars. Which would be a drop in the bucket, if each person that attended the event had paid $2. They would have raised 6 BILLION DOLLARS! But instead they asked for your name and your awareness. In fact there was no place for you to even donate money while you were attending the event.

I feel like this is what the Bono would have been yelling from stage, “Philadelphia, you guys rock! But you know what doesn’t rock, Poverty. And that’s why we’re here (hold for applause). To tell those fat cats in Washington (hold for boos) that we’re sick of people being poor. And we’re not going to take it any longer. So don’t give your money, give us your name and we’ll take your name and put it into a registry that we will e-mailed to one of those FAT CATS! And they’ll hear our message!”

Soon this will be a commercial we’ll see on TV:

(Fade In) To a third world country that has piles of trash a young children rummaging through it looking for food.
Out steps a grey bearded man (that reminds you of Santa Claus) holding a child that has dilapidated LIVE AID 1985 t-shirt and he says, “This is Isabel. She has lived here her whole life. She lacks the medical attention to probably live past the age of 14. She has no shoes, no possibility of education, and she wonders where he next meal is coming from.
All she needs is 40 cents a day to live. Will you give to her?
If so then pick up your phone and call us. Tell us that you are aware of Isabel. And that you’d like to sponsor her in principle. And if you try to give us money we’ll spend it on making more commercials just like this one. So don’t even bother, you’re already aware of her and what she really needs from us is to give your good thoughts and spend that money on your Extra Tall Non-Fat, Extra Soy, Whip on Bottom, Double Decaf, Triple Foam, Carmel Americano. I thank you and Isabel does as well. (Fade Out)

PS. This whole topic leads into rants on Bono and Al Gore, but those will be for another time. But as long as you are aware of who Bono and Al Gore are, then I’ll sleep well at night.

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Cowboys and Hicks by zachsrant
July 26, 2008, 5:20 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Ok, its been a while but i am one of the fore mention titles in the title to this blog, in that i work on a farm and am somewhat of a hick, how does obtain to you, well it means i have worked 28 days straight so i haven’t had time to be a loser and write a blog, but anyway my experience being a farmer has brought me in contact with many hicks and some cowboys, who, before i get going i am very fond of, and proably in compusses about 90 % of the people i hang out with on a day to day basis, but what drives me absolutly insane about these people is there fashion sense or lack there of, but i am not really one to  comment on what people where, but there in lies my complaint.  If you have been around these people you will now what i am talking about, now this has happened muliplte times to me before i was married, and became my wifes human ken doll.  But lets say i go clothes shopping i am at the mall i am like hey this gap shirt is five bucks, and it fits i am all over it, the fact it says gap on it i could honestly care less, so i go out to the bar with my buddies wearing my new five dollar gap shirt and when they notice i am wearing gap they lay into to me, your gay i can’t believe your wearing gap, and i am like i spent five dollars on this shirt, when these guys have on an outfit on that costs more than my closet, I don’t know if any of you have ever been in a store that sells cowboy apparell or carhartt, but the prices there are outrageous and these guys make sure that they wear there wranglers with there 50 dollar belt buckle or there 75 dollar carharts and tell me i am the pansy, you got to be kidding me, these guys match there boots to that stupid thing that hangs from there neck that is suppose to replace a tie, and they call me a woman, they spend more time matching there carharts than my wife does getting ready for a night on the town and they are the mans man, it is crazy to me.  these guys think becasues they wear boots in public girls think they are tough, in my opinion if you have booots that you can wear in public you aren’t tough, why did you buy boots, because they sure aren’t as comptrable ( i never can figure out how to spell that word thanks alot oregon public schools) as my slipper shoes that i always wear.  I don’t mind if a guy is trying to look good, but  as a man who spends time acutually working in work clothes i don’t understand these guys who think i am pansy becasue they work at a bank but they dress more manly than me if you think a certain pair of pants make you tough your batting for the other team my friends its so stupid i feel some times like i went out the guys from queer eye for the straight guy.  Thank you for your time.



Graduation by zachsrant
June 27, 2008, 7:56 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags:

The graduatoin ceremony has quickly become the worst ceremony ever invented, i think we need to find whoever came with the idea for graduations and  punish them for what they have done to people all around the world who have to particpate in this ceremony.  First of all making grown peiople where ridiculous dresses and caps is no way to celebrate what they have accomplished, making men cross dress to reward them for the hard work they have put is no way to treat someone.  Espeicially in college, people pour thousands dollars in to these institutions so that they can be taught things, that in general they either won’t remember or what they do remeber, will hardly be used, and the way the instituions give back to them is making them where a costume that first graders would think is a bad costume.  This is the main reason i decided not to finish my college career, its not that i am lazy, although i am, but i just didn’t want to go through the ceremony.  I just hope that my kids won’t make it through high school, so i don’t have to endure the punishment of another ceremony.  It seems everytime you go to one, if its inside, they make sure that it is at least 120 degrees fairinheit in the buliding, is that always nescassary, does it not make it valid if it doesn’t feel like your inside a volcano at a graduation ceremony.  My only point is we need to re-think this whole graduaion idea before anybody else has to endure it. 



Worst Sport Ever by zachsrant
June 11, 2008, 10:08 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

so this weekend i maybe participated in the worst sport known to the modern day man.  the worst sport since maybe soccer.  i know i have set the bar high for terrible sports by comparing this to soccer but if you have ever played you know what i am talking about, this sport is frisbee golf, man its horrible, i should of known how bad it was going to be since it has frisbee in the name, but i am a good sport and i went with my friends who are avid disc golfers.  now the thing is about frissbee golf is it sounded appealing, because in my mind it sounds like a drinking gaeme, which i have become a consuer of in my old age, i have dedicated my life to mastering such great american pastimes, like beer pong and horse shoes, but this was nothing of the sorts, way to much walking, no carts, no beer which equals no fun.  Know the first thing that bothered me when we got up to the first tee the was the horrendous smell that was there and i couldn’t put my finger on what it was,i had smelled it before, but i could not recall where, but as this awful day progressed and i saw the kind of people who play disc golf i realized it was that distinct hippi smell, yes one i could recall from participating in other stupid hippi activities such as hackisack, drum circles and not bathing for weeks on end. I had no idea i had been conned into playing one there games again.  Anything that a bunch of people who think smoking pot, not bathing and complaining about a bunch of stuff they have no idea what they are talking about invent i want nothing to do with, except maybe free love that doesn’t seem all that bad, , but i am losing focus here.  Maybe i hated it because i cna’t throw a frisbee, because my dad was teaching me how to throw a baseball or a football or teaching me to bath, instead of teaching me to throw a frisbee and telling me that girls who have more hair under there arms and there face then me are hot.  Or maybe i judged wrong, you see now i judge a game by, will this game get funner the more i drink, such as real golf or horse shoes, and the answer to that questions is no,why because i still can’t throw a frissbee i have to walk through abunch of poison oak and i have a bunch of hippis telling me that if we were all poor and lived on a farm with a bunch of girls with with hair under there arm pits and never took a bath the world would be perfect.  So in my unbiased opinoin frisbees should stay where they belong and that is to the hippis, because we want to keep them isolated, if we can’t control them we can at least contain them, and to dogs and finally the last peopel group that can play with frisbees are people who can’t play real sports like soccer players, thank you for your time.
zach



Spelling Names by zachsrant
June 2, 2008, 10:06 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Well for those of you who don’t know my name is zach, notice the spelling of my name, i show you this so you fully understand my plight i face as do so many others bearing names such as these, as you can proably tell this rant hits pretty close to home so excuse me if i get emotional. the plight i am talking about and the reason for my emotions is that spelling of names is getting ridiculous, well actually names are getting ridiculous, you don’t name a person apple, but that is whole nother e-mail. Here i will set the scene a person asks could i get your name and number, uh yeah its ashli, ok how do you spell that with an l-i, or l-e-y, or an l-e-e at the end oh acutually its a-s-h-q-p-l-i-t-ee yeah the p and q are silent. This happens with so many people all over the world and it needs to come to a stop, their are only t[hree logical explanainations for this type of ignoranant naming, one is that the parent is not creative enough to come up with a good name so they settle on a normal crappy one and make it a huge pain for everyone the rest of the childs life. the next is the parents do not know how to spell,and if they can’t spell simple names they can’t proably sound them out either so they come with stupid spelllings and the rest ofus have to suffer. the third and final and most likely explanation for this total disregard for their child and everyone who interacts with them is they were a mistake, or unplanned pregancy or whatever i am suppose to call it when adults are to freakin cheap to find the nearest trojan man. but the child was not in their plans so they decide to punish with a dumb spelling of he/she’s name, now if you have a normal spelling of a name don’t think that you are the only one who has to put up with us who have mis spelled it is as much of a burden on us as you who are being constantly corrected for the way you spell someones name. As a person who’s name should of been spelled zack like it sounds the constant correcting of people has caused me so much emotional and physical strain my hair was gone before i graduated high school, why was i cursed with such a fate, well i know my parents and they are cheap, but lets stay out of their bedroom, the bottom line is parents are not being responsible enough to police this type of irresponisble behavoir on their own, it is time for the govrnment to step, i am tired of my tax money being wasted on a war on drugs, roads and flying to mars, i want thier to be on spelling of every name and if this is not followed to procuscute the offenders to full extent of the law, this may mean my parents will being 25 to life on rikers island, its a small price for me to pay to see america rid of this problem.

zach



Double Dipping by zachsrant
May 29, 2008, 9:55 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I hate when peopel complain about double dippers, you know who i am talking about that friends wife who you hate and you have to have dinner with and you dip your chip in the salso bowl take a bite and then go in for seconds, and she goes ah excuse me could you not double dip. Well the bottom line if you exaimine the size of the chip it first of, is the perfect size for two bites, eating a chip in one bite is rude, disgusting and offends mexicans everywhere if my friends wife was cultured she would now that, but she doesn’t, so when i take one bite with my salsa i am left with half a chip and nothing to do with it, what does she want me to do eat the chip wiht no salsa on it what is the poiint of that, its like me saying to the waiter a taco pleae, and he responds chicken, beef or pork, oh nothing please just a taco shell, everyone would think i was crazy and mexicans everywhere would be in an outrage, they would proably refuse you service, but that is besides the point the fact is only one dip on one chip is ludicras the only logical answer for not doulble dipping would be disposing of the half of the chip, and with rising cost of gas and starving kids and all that jazz, that my friedn is not an option, so that brings me to my next point basically what the accuseer is stated is that i don’t want your mouth anywhere close to mine, i wnat as many degrees of separation betwween you mouth and mine. this is insulting to me and my dentist, but for insurance reasons lets keep the good denstists out of this, so fact of the matter is that the way a chip breaks when you bite it your mouth only touches the part that re-enters the bowl only once every two hundred tortilla chips i have found through my diligent studies at La California the mobile mexican place near my dwelling place. So this leads me to conclude that my friend married an idiot and the myth that when you double dip you get all your mouth fluids in the salsa bowl is truly a myth and people who complain should be refused service from all mexican restraunts every where thank you for your time good day.

zach



My first rant: Donuts by zachsrant
May 21, 2008, 9:50 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , ,

So i thought about your idea of broadcasting my rants, but at this time i do not posses the technology nor the where with all to achieve such a task so i decided to write you my rants for if nothing else to document my ridulilous dilemas in life or possibly to keep our borderline gay relationship going. So i will write for your enjoyment tell what you think of them. so it begins

I have no idea who decided that donuts should be a breakfast food, but who ever did should be spoken about in the same breath with men like newton, einsteen and betty crocker, donuts for breakfast could be the greatest idea since eggs on burgers. Lets get scientific, a donut is basically a cake and the fact that it is considered to be a socially acceptable breakfast food is a noble prize caliber of an idea. the fact that al gore can win one of those for a stupid documentary why can’t we give one who truly made a difference making one fat american after another look forward to the most overated meal of the day. It is obserd that we eat anything but donuts for breakfast when comparing to the other choices we have in the morning. I know what you thinking they are so unheathly, first off it depends on the donut and the kind of sprinkles you have on your donut, but enough with health mumbo jumbo the bottom line is you have two more meals to eat healthy what is the point of starting your day with crappy grape nuts when you can enjoy a deep fried pastry with just right amount of frosting and sprinkles to brighten up your day. In conclusion in time and age with wars starvation hate crimes and tila tequila we need to celebrate the people who have made this country great, i think it is time to give back to the people who have given us so much.